Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My youth pastor is leaving our church. He's the closest thing to a father I've known since I was seven.
My brother is back at college and doesn't even know when he'll visit again. And my mom yells at me if I call him more than once a week. He's the best friend I've ever had.
An old friend who stopped talking to me for no reason started talking to me again. And has now stopped for no reason. Again. He was the only person I've ever trusted.
One of my closest friends just today told me she's moving across the country in a few weeks, maybe sooner. She's the most real person I've ever known.
My bible study is canceled for the year because my friend who runs it is too busy with school. It was the only thing I ever looked forward to during the week.
It feels like I am losing everyone and everything that means the most to me. Everything I thought was stable and solid and good is being ripped away from me. It's been a while since I've felt this alone.
I would love to be dead right now.
I should have known my optimism would never last.
But I deserve all of this. Anything good I still have I could never hope to be worthy of.
And still I take it for granted.
This is all my fault.